When we find ourselves in very similar situations but with different people, this is a good indication that we are being reciprocal in (and somehow contributing to) whatever is happening. In some way, this situation is being maintained by us. Since the early groundbreaking work on reciprocity (Gouldner, 1960; Homans, 1958; Levi-Strauss, 1957; Malinowski, 1922; Simmel, 1950) many studies have examined reciprocity, demonstrating reciprocity in relationship development and maintenance. Its importance to all human interactions is a “vital principle of society” (Thurnwald, 1932: 106).
This can be difficult to accept when relationships are not going so well however in examining this we gain back more control, we reduce our stress and so we are able to better problem-solve rather than remaining in limbo. Often when someone is in an unsatisfactory relationship, friends and family can be heard wondering aloud about why doesn't he just leave or sort out the problems? This person is likely engaged in collusive reciprocity, whereby the buy-in is simply through staying put, through putting up and shutting up. Collusive reciprocity such as this usually comes from being unassertive. The collusion is in avoiding or submerging a problem in the relationship, with an overwhelming desire to keep the peace, for example. Equally, not acknowledging the extent of your anxieties relating to a relationship problem could be considered as being reciprocally colluding. This is not however the same as accepting rationally that important differences exist, nor in ignoring minor negative events or behaviour.
How does one recognise colluding reciprocity? It is usually down to the individual being aware of feeling persistent flashes of anxiety about a recurring problem, but there never seeming to be "the right time" to address it or being closed down by their partner. Equally, making statements such as "I do it to keep the peace"; "there's no point in saying anything because he/she won't listen anyway"; and a general attitude of helplessness or powerlessness are key signs. There are however opportunities to improve one's situation through facing up to where one is caught in colluding reciprocally. Not a guaranteed change in your partner's behaviour however, but ways to improve how you feel about the situation, reducing the anxiety and helplessness and an exploration of problem-solving strategies. This certainly minimises the problem in the longer-term and increases the chances one hundred-fold of changing the outcomes in the longer term. With someone highly unassertive, this usually requires short-term professional counselling for improved self-esteem, assertiveness and communication, with support, understanding and guidance from family and friends. A common problem for a person suffering in this sort of unhappy situation however can be isolation due to a general withdrawal of friends and family over time, sharing in the helpless attitude of the long-suffering party, and therefore disengagement i.e. "there's nothing we can do either if she/he chooses to just stay, put up with it, etc." Again this reduces the problem-solving capability and the self-esteem of the person even further.
There is of course healthy reciprocity in relationships and I call this cooperative reciprocity. This is assertive with respect between the individuals permitting compromise, give and take and negotiation. The reciprocity brings mutually satisfying solutions to the real problems. The healthiest reciprocity is whereby your partner's happiness and well-being is as important as your own, if not more so.
In reality, for most couples, there is a mix of some colluding and more cooperation. Skilled partners recognise the importance of maintaining goodwill and strive to create more opportunities for it to exist, and allow minor differences or problems to exist without this threatening the relationship. There are few things more satisfying for me than guiding individuals to creating more opportunities to create further goodwill and happiness in their relationships. Where our relationships go well, all is well in the world!
Friday, 24 April 2009
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Creating realistic expectations
In a study of a range of people, some of whom suffered from depression (mild to severe) even mildly depressed undergraduates showed a stronger expectation in the likelihood of future negative events than non-depressed undergraduates (MacLeod & Cropley, 1995). In other words they had a stronger tendency to make negative future predictions. As a therapist, uncovering my client's expectations can provide valuable insight into what their negative expectations are and how these are contributing to or even maintaining their problem.
A very good friend of mine is also an extremely nervous driver. In fact, I had never realised this until fairly recently when we travelled together for a couple of hours, with her driving. I listened to how she spoke and responded each time a car approached from the rear and then overtook her. Her hands were fists, wrapped tightly around the steering wheel, her shoulders and neck were tense and and she made comments such as "oh god, he's far too close .. I wish they wouldn't come up so fast .. I always think they're going to run into the back of me .. etc.". These thoughts all revolved around predicting very negative outcomes. Over dinner afterwards she told me that she hadn't always had this reaction when driving however this problem had been growing, as other problems grew in her personal life. Her self-esteem had taken a knock, and one of the side-effects of this for her was an erosion in her confidence in her own ability to be safe whilst driving. We tested out balancing her negative predictions and on the way back the next day, she agreed to test out more balanced (and realistic) predictions! Although not magically cured it was enough for her to notice improvement and she felt that she was able to drive more competently the next time and practice some more.
During the study I mention above, the future negative events being predicted also included feeling rejected, feeling inferior, finding oneself rather irritated, people getting annoyed with you, people acting hostiley toward you, not handling problems effectively, being a disappointment, not measuring up, making an important mistake, and so on. In another study, depressed subjects were more likely to minimise the gains to be had of taking the risk of approaching new social situations and more likely to magnify the risks and the downside (Pietromonaco & Rook, 1987).
An effective means of countering this, as well as improving someone's mood, can be as simple as engaging them in the following exercise:
Find out what this person's expectations are relating to the thing that they dislike, fear or avoid doing (preferably something that were they to improve at it, it would surely have a positive impact on their life). To illustrate this, here's another example: one of my clients avoided social situations due to their self-proclaimed chronic and "natural shyness" resulting in a dislike of meeting new people, yet he desperately wanted to meet his ideal mate (an unfortunate catch 22 situation). We agreed that in order to increase his chances, he would need to begin tackling new social situatons with renewed vigour. I discovered that his expectations of doing this were expressed in very negative terms, such as "I don't like most people", "most people don't like me", "I will feel like a spare part", "I just feel too awkward", "I will make a fool of myself", "I can't seem to find anything to talk about", "most people are boring", and "I'll end up feeling worse than I do now". We agreed that not only are these expectations negative, but that they are faulty too. We worked together on each one, listing first the faulty expectation and then writing down a possible more realistic (and optimistic) one. Here's some to get you started:
Faulty expectation for not being more outgoing: "I am simply an introvert"
More realistic expectation: "Though like many people I am more introverted than extraverted, I've managed to meet people before in new situations and have made some good friends through this".
Faulty expectation for not being more outgoing: It's all my fault if someone new doesn't like me.
More realistic expectation: Ican't please everyone - no-one can - but it's true that when I feel good about myself, I am more relaxed and this comes across.
A very good friend of mine is also an extremely nervous driver. In fact, I had never realised this until fairly recently when we travelled together for a couple of hours, with her driving. I listened to how she spoke and responded each time a car approached from the rear and then overtook her. Her hands were fists, wrapped tightly around the steering wheel, her shoulders and neck were tense and and she made comments such as "oh god, he's far too close .. I wish they wouldn't come up so fast .. I always think they're going to run into the back of me .. etc.". These thoughts all revolved around predicting very negative outcomes. Over dinner afterwards she told me that she hadn't always had this reaction when driving however this problem had been growing, as other problems grew in her personal life. Her self-esteem had taken a knock, and one of the side-effects of this for her was an erosion in her confidence in her own ability to be safe whilst driving. We tested out balancing her negative predictions and on the way back the next day, she agreed to test out more balanced (and realistic) predictions! Although not magically cured it was enough for her to notice improvement and she felt that she was able to drive more competently the next time and practice some more.
During the study I mention above, the future negative events being predicted also included feeling rejected, feeling inferior, finding oneself rather irritated, people getting annoyed with you, people acting hostiley toward you, not handling problems effectively, being a disappointment, not measuring up, making an important mistake, and so on. In another study, depressed subjects were more likely to minimise the gains to be had of taking the risk of approaching new social situations and more likely to magnify the risks and the downside (Pietromonaco & Rook, 1987).
An effective means of countering this, as well as improving someone's mood, can be as simple as engaging them in the following exercise:
Find out what this person's expectations are relating to the thing that they dislike, fear or avoid doing (preferably something that were they to improve at it, it would surely have a positive impact on their life). To illustrate this, here's another example: one of my clients avoided social situations due to their self-proclaimed chronic and "natural shyness" resulting in a dislike of meeting new people, yet he desperately wanted to meet his ideal mate (an unfortunate catch 22 situation). We agreed that in order to increase his chances, he would need to begin tackling new social situatons with renewed vigour. I discovered that his expectations of doing this were expressed in very negative terms, such as "I don't like most people", "most people don't like me", "I will feel like a spare part", "I just feel too awkward", "I will make a fool of myself", "I can't seem to find anything to talk about", "most people are boring", and "I'll end up feeling worse than I do now". We agreed that not only are these expectations negative, but that they are faulty too. We worked together on each one, listing first the faulty expectation and then writing down a possible more realistic (and optimistic) one. Here's some to get you started:
Faulty expectation for not being more outgoing: "I am simply an introvert"
More realistic expectation: "Though like many people I am more introverted than extraverted, I've managed to meet people before in new situations and have made some good friends through this".
Faulty expectation for not being more outgoing: It's all my fault if someone new doesn't like me.
More realistic expectation: Ican't please everyone - no-one can - but it's true that when I feel good about myself, I am more relaxed and this comes across.
Faulty expectation for not being more outgoing: I've tried this before and it didn't work.
More realistic expectation: the past is not necessarily a guide for the future. My shyness is not a problem in all situations, in all areas of my life, and need not last forever (it can be viewed as a phase). I have learned many new skills and through trial and error I can improve at this too.
Being able to reality-test these in a fairly small and safe way is the next step. Breaking down the task of meeting new people into the small steps to be taken, rehearsing this in advance, as well as increasing one's vigilance to this negative self-talk and being prepared with some realistic ones to counter them with, is the next part of the process. Martin Seligman Ph.D. has written extensively about this subject from the perspective of positive psychology (I am reading his book on "Authentic Happiness" right now and I recommend it to anyone keen to develop themselves and overcome any self-limiting patterns). Together with my client above, we summarised his new thinking into a mantra that he could memorise until able to repeat it back to himself automatically, as follows:
"Though I have tried to improve before, my circumstances are different now, I understand better how I have been maintaining my isolation and shyness. I am already developing new and better skills at becoming more outgoing".
With support, care and love if this is affecting a loved one, chronic shyness can be overcome. This method is effective with a wide range of faulty expectations and can assist in many other areas of building relationships. During conflict resolution for example, one can always try to uncover and balance one's own faulty, negative predictions, in order to begin the process of establishing harmony once more!
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Spring has sprung!
"Nature often holds up a mirror so we can see more clearly the ongoing processes of growth, renewal and transformation in our lives" - Mary Ann Brussat
Well it is now officially spring-time! My birthday has just come and gone and I usually find myself reflecting moodily on the year just passed and the new one now beginning. The past year has been a good one though, bringing good people into my life, and new experiences building on old ones. I still commute back and forth to my spiritual home in France, where I am lucky enough to be surrounded by nature as well as the company of my 3 cats, 1 hedgehog, twenty frogs and some cheeky (and brave) birds.
Thinking about what it is I love about nature so much makes me think about how we are all connected to this side of living. A more intuitive and season-led way of living. While I am in London it is easy to forget this and at weekends I usually make sure I get into the great outdoors. Take my cats' adaptability, intuition as well as their patience for instance. They spend day after day, finding enjoyment and entertainment in the minutiae of changes (unfortunately killing some of it, although as Persians their killer instinct is barely there). They are patient about time passing and have no concept of achievement, status (other than the occasional squabble for the spot on the sofa), passing judgement nor their widening girths and greying hairs. Their company is so easy, with their friendly faces and their comfortable presence in the house. "Patience is the companion of wisdom" (Saint Augustine).
I live quite quietly, wandering around my garden and the vineyard beyond. Spring is the time to really appreciate the changes as new greenery begins to poke through and the dead wood from the year before quickly disappears (it birds don't carry it away for their nests then the locals make quick work of it in their wood-fired ovens). As my house and garden age, as well as needing a lick of varnish and a spot of weeding, they resonate with all the memories that I have collected in this place.
This is all quite apt at a time of year when I am so conscious of how quickly my years are speeding by!
"...Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand..." (Anne of Greengable’s much loved stuffed toy sums it up!)
Well it is now officially spring-time! My birthday has just come and gone and I usually find myself reflecting moodily on the year just passed and the new one now beginning. The past year has been a good one though, bringing good people into my life, and new experiences building on old ones. I still commute back and forth to my spiritual home in France, where I am lucky enough to be surrounded by nature as well as the company of my 3 cats, 1 hedgehog, twenty frogs and some cheeky (and brave) birds.
Thinking about what it is I love about nature so much makes me think about how we are all connected to this side of living. A more intuitive and season-led way of living. While I am in London it is easy to forget this and at weekends I usually make sure I get into the great outdoors. Take my cats' adaptability, intuition as well as their patience for instance. They spend day after day, finding enjoyment and entertainment in the minutiae of changes (unfortunately killing some of it, although as Persians their killer instinct is barely there). They are patient about time passing and have no concept of achievement, status (other than the occasional squabble for the spot on the sofa), passing judgement nor their widening girths and greying hairs. Their company is so easy, with their friendly faces and their comfortable presence in the house. "Patience is the companion of wisdom" (Saint Augustine).
I live quite quietly, wandering around my garden and the vineyard beyond. Spring is the time to really appreciate the changes as new greenery begins to poke through and the dead wood from the year before quickly disappears (it birds don't carry it away for their nests then the locals make quick work of it in their wood-fired ovens). As my house and garden age, as well as needing a lick of varnish and a spot of weeding, they resonate with all the memories that I have collected in this place.
This is all quite apt at a time of year when I am so conscious of how quickly my years are speeding by!
"...Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand..." (Anne of Greengable’s much loved stuffed toy sums it up!)
Monday, 30 March 2009
To avoid repeating mistakes we must reinforce wisdom!
"Money … can symbolize work, power, love won, or love denied. It can take the form of expensive homes, expensive clothes, expensive presents. Luxuries become necessities. Debt compensates for all shortcomings. "For people to admit they can't afford things they want means placing themselves in a position of weakness," says Dr. Edward J.Khantzian, associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. "They have to say no to themselves, and nobody likes that." - Time (October 1982)
Following on from my blog last week about our over-reliance on financial power, I'd like to redress the balance this week and give some examples of wisdom which have occurred during my lifetime. Last week I was feeling a little dark and didn't really give too optimistic a picture of human nature and its possibilities. However, believing in our capacity to act not just knowledgeably but wisely is a necessary step to behaving wisely in the future. So, in the spirit of visioning a better future, here are ten examples of true wisdom that I can think of that have occured in my lifetime:
1. Destroying the apartheid system (1991)
2. Breaking down the Berlin wall and the East:West German divide (1989)
3. Abolishing fox hunting as a blood sport in the UK (2004).
4. Closing down Guantanamo Bay & the US denouncing torture (2009).
5. N.Ireland and the UK agreeing to live side-by-side in peace (1998).
6. Cuba, an incredibly poor country, training some of the best doctors and donating a large number of them to caring for others in other third world countries.
7. Japan publicly apologising for many of their past war crimes (NB: the power of an apology can never be under-estimated. Research shows that receiving an apology has a noticeable, positive physical effect on the body. An apology affects the bodily functions of the person receiving it - blood pressure decreases, heart rate slows and breathing becomes steadier).
8. Women and other minorities are given the right to earn equal pay for equal work under EU legislation.
9. The Dalai Lama's 'middle way' policy demonstrates the power of inaction and peaceful protest. Is there another equivalent public figure today who represents so much with so little material resource?
10. Britain's defense of the right of all human beings to legal representation and protection against draconian policing with the active blocking of both a 90-day detention and the 42-day detention proposal by our Government (to allow terrorist suspects to be detained by police for up to 90 or 42 days before being charged ie formally told what law they are accused of breaking). Finally this measure was removed (blocked primarily by the extremely non-democratic House of Lords - furthering the argument to considering alternatives to our democracy as we know it today?).
"The truth is that Wall Street gamblers are one of the causes of our frequent business depressions." - Floyd W. Parsons, The Saturday Evening Post (October 1923). Since this episode we have witnessed 13 further recessions, not including our current one. What wise thoughts or deeds can come of this?
Following on from my blog last week about our over-reliance on financial power, I'd like to redress the balance this week and give some examples of wisdom which have occurred during my lifetime. Last week I was feeling a little dark and didn't really give too optimistic a picture of human nature and its possibilities. However, believing in our capacity to act not just knowledgeably but wisely is a necessary step to behaving wisely in the future. So, in the spirit of visioning a better future, here are ten examples of true wisdom that I can think of that have occured in my lifetime:
1. Destroying the apartheid system (1991)
2. Breaking down the Berlin wall and the East:West German divide (1989)
3. Abolishing fox hunting as a blood sport in the UK (2004).
4. Closing down Guantanamo Bay & the US denouncing torture (2009).
5. N.Ireland and the UK agreeing to live side-by-side in peace (1998).
6. Cuba, an incredibly poor country, training some of the best doctors and donating a large number of them to caring for others in other third world countries.
7. Japan publicly apologising for many of their past war crimes (NB: the power of an apology can never be under-estimated. Research shows that receiving an apology has a noticeable, positive physical effect on the body. An apology affects the bodily functions of the person receiving it - blood pressure decreases, heart rate slows and breathing becomes steadier).
8. Women and other minorities are given the right to earn equal pay for equal work under EU legislation.
9. The Dalai Lama's 'middle way' policy demonstrates the power of inaction and peaceful protest. Is there another equivalent public figure today who represents so much with so little material resource?
10. Britain's defense of the right of all human beings to legal representation and protection against draconian policing with the active blocking of both a 90-day detention and the 42-day detention proposal by our Government (to allow terrorist suspects to be detained by police for up to 90 or 42 days before being charged ie formally told what law they are accused of breaking). Finally this measure was removed (blocked primarily by the extremely non-democratic House of Lords - furthering the argument to considering alternatives to our democracy as we know it today?).
"The truth is that Wall Street gamblers are one of the causes of our frequent business depressions." - Floyd W. Parsons, The Saturday Evening Post (October 1923). Since this episode we have witnessed 13 further recessions, not including our current one. What wise thoughts or deeds can come of this?
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
Our Relationship With Power..
..and Our Financial Institutions
Here are a few thoughts of my own on what has been happening to our society, particularly in the past couple of decades, particularly in relation to our financial well-being. Whenever we humans organise ourselves, power is a key dynamic, which can lead and develop wonderfully enlightened societies, but can also corrupt, deceive and manipulate the less informed members of the group. Financial power is possibly the most seductive and most highly prized currently in our 'first-world' cultures. There are of course alternative forms of power, including persuasion, humour, religion, fame, force and violence, social traditions (such as royalty), knowledge, etc. When it comes to our current banking crisis, it's clear to see what form of power has dominated. The question is HOW do we halt this craze of buying up 'investments' built on little more than distorted information and speculation? Clearly there has been and continues to be ample encouragement to continue doing this (in order for each of us to attain a little more security and so survival). Most people know this decision-making is based upon unreliable data at best and corrupt, distorted thinking at worst, in a very shady business environment. But no-one wants to stop it, not even our current Prime Minister .. WHY?
Contemporary thinking is that true power (with forceful coercion at one end of the scale and indirect influence at the other), requires reciprocity. In the instance of securing financial power, we have been 'reciprocal' in our economy's rapid crash & burn. But why did we all do it? Was it just a crazed greed, an almost group hysteria? I don't believe this is the main reason although I do think we have been in the grip of group-think, something I'll come on to in a minute. Firstly, let’s investigate the system and structures in place. Think of how we have been able to secure relief on our tax obligations, put reserves aside for old age (under the assumption that we are buying something of true value), living through the use of electronic money as well as credit. The government and the establishment (the power brokers of our time) have developed a system that makes it more difficult for people to live otherwise. How does one buy one’s home etc. if one does not have a credit rating? How does one safely retire if one does not have a pension? How does one hold down full-time employment as well as investigate the ethics, the security and validity of decisions being made on one's behalf financially (the services provided by brokers, fund managers etc.)? In the age of information we have never been so deprived of knowledge - or is it wisdom? It is here that the imbalance of power has developed (knowledge is an excellent source of power but how does it contradict with wisdom?).
Decisions can be made at lightning speed and in a matter of days, an individual dabbling in short-selling can go from being a simple “investor” to a bankrupted gambler. Banks can crash in a matter of weeks taking billions of our money with them. This is the system we have devised in our time, that is supposed to give us a measure of power and so assure our health, well-being and better survival. It has shown us now how it can also deliver the opposite. Good intentions are not nearly enough. Of huge concern is the way we rationalise and reason away the unknown factors regarding making financial decisions, which most people do without much question. This has been encouraged by the financial institutions, the media, many authority figures as well as our peers. The mental models, otherwise known as the belief systems, underpinning this system are that as a knowledge-based society, we operate best whereby we, the individual, do not need to know very much other than how to put his or her own skills to good use, where someone else with the 'knowledge' of the investment markets, will put their skills to good use on our behalf. An incredibly naive form of reciprocity as it turns out and demonstrates the impact of a deficit of true knowledge and more importantly wisdom. Even where true knowledge exists, there is often a deficit of wisdom where money is part of the equation. Look at decisions we continue to make about our wider environment, homelessness, starvation, benefitting from slave labour, human rights, good versus evil, our carbon footprint, and so on. Short-term financial well-being seems to dominate, particularly where we are ruled by the thinking that financial well-being equals more power.
When we trust in our financial institutions to do right by us, at least 2 erroneous assumptions being made:
1. All skills are equal
Not true! Where money is concerned, power becomes centralised where money is controlled and so those who manage our money automatically hold more power.
2. It is possible to procure reliable knowledge about an investment
Not true! The markets operate as highly chaotic, complex, interdependent and, as we have witnessed many times, corrupt and unstable systems. It is not possible to predict accurately what will happen given they are not directed simply by supply and demand forces.
How do we change our mental models (belief systems) of how a knowledge-based society can operate if we are to seek true wisdom, especially where financial power is concerned? Belief systems gain momentum (and hence power) as more people come to accept the particular views associated with that belief system as common knowledge (this is known as hegemony). Such belief systems define their figures of authority, such as Financial Directors and /or Politicians and consequently these direct the actions of the many. Within such a belief system, ideas form as to what is right and what is wrong, what is normal, acceptable as well as what is deviant. Within a particular belief system certain views, thoughts or actions become unthinkable as well as thinkable (read Foucault's philosophy of power, 'Discipline and Punish' to learn more). As a society we have followed these financial authority figures, believing, mistakenly it seems, that this will keep us safe. Delegating our financial decision-making to our financial institutions has done exactly what any philosopher of power would have predicted.
Authors such as Charles Handy (writer of "Understanding Organisations", etc.) make an important distinction between power and influence. Where power is money it becomes a highly unpredictable and potentially fatal 'moltov cocktail'. Should this be kept separate in order to direct and balance power in positive ways? What sort of society can we develop then; with what changes to our belief systems and authority figures; and how difficult is this change in reality? As the socialist writer, Upton Sinclair once said, "It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it". In our democratic election process today, money buys candidacy, votes and support for causes that are in the interests of certain influential power-brokers, rather than society at large. We have created quite the financial spider's web.
Sociologists talk of there needing to be a balance of power for relationships to work effectively. In structural sociological theory, power is an ongoing process of evolution and adaptation. Are we witnessing the time where the balance of power has become too unequal and with this, relationally, the system has destabilised and imploded? The bigger problem however is that we have developed a decision-making system with financial authority figures the ones with true power. They are the ones who created this system, and now they maintain it. With this system in place and because social systems are highly complex entities, society at large cannot easily change it, nor can those who created the dynamics in the first place. As can be seen now, this system is operating as any complex adaptive system would. It has become too unstable, too unpredictable and the cracks are appearing. HOW we as a society achieve a measure of equilibrium again will determine how many cycles of the same destabilisation we will see again in the future (we have seen a repeating pattern of destabilisation and recovery since The Great Depression in the early 20th Century). It is my belief that if we cannot change the dynamics of power within our society (and as such the belief systems that most people operate under), then this is not the last that that we will see of instability and harm to our planet. In Alvin Toffler's book 'Powershift', he argues that the third wave of power (the first wave being violence, the second being wealth) will be to shift power from being wealth to being knowledge. My observation is that even where knowledge is present, there is a huge deficit of wisdom due to this power imbalance - indeed too much knowledge leads to information overload and paralysis (Alvin Toffler recognises this too). How can we intelligently realise that many assumptions we make collectively about delegating our financial well-being to others 'more qualified' are flawed? Recognising flawed logic is something that our society has not yet become very skilled at. Our quest for a measure of power and so survival is delivering exactly what we do not want (flawed thinking usually creates a self-fulfilling prophecy eventually). As a society we handed over the mantle of power to the very people who created the problems in the first place, and now we are virtually unable to stop financial power brokers from continuing to make bad decisions to the detriment of our lives and our planet. Who could have predicted this? Many have. As a society we have the knowledge, but we still do not have the wisdom to do very much about it.
"We cannot solve problems by using the same thinking we used when we created them" - Einstein
"We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future" - George Bernard Shaw
"The function of wisdom is to discriminate between good and evil" - Cicero
"A man is wise with the wisdom of his time only, and ignorant with its ignorance" - Henry David Thoreau
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five!" - Groucho Marx
Here are a few thoughts of my own on what has been happening to our society, particularly in the past couple of decades, particularly in relation to our financial well-being. Whenever we humans organise ourselves, power is a key dynamic, which can lead and develop wonderfully enlightened societies, but can also corrupt, deceive and manipulate the less informed members of the group. Financial power is possibly the most seductive and most highly prized currently in our 'first-world' cultures. There are of course alternative forms of power, including persuasion, humour, religion, fame, force and violence, social traditions (such as royalty), knowledge, etc. When it comes to our current banking crisis, it's clear to see what form of power has dominated. The question is HOW do we halt this craze of buying up 'investments' built on little more than distorted information and speculation? Clearly there has been and continues to be ample encouragement to continue doing this (in order for each of us to attain a little more security and so survival). Most people know this decision-making is based upon unreliable data at best and corrupt, distorted thinking at worst, in a very shady business environment. But no-one wants to stop it, not even our current Prime Minister .. WHY?
Contemporary thinking is that true power (with forceful coercion at one end of the scale and indirect influence at the other), requires reciprocity. In the instance of securing financial power, we have been 'reciprocal' in our economy's rapid crash & burn. But why did we all do it? Was it just a crazed greed, an almost group hysteria? I don't believe this is the main reason although I do think we have been in the grip of group-think, something I'll come on to in a minute. Firstly, let’s investigate the system and structures in place. Think of how we have been able to secure relief on our tax obligations, put reserves aside for old age (under the assumption that we are buying something of true value), living through the use of electronic money as well as credit. The government and the establishment (the power brokers of our time) have developed a system that makes it more difficult for people to live otherwise. How does one buy one’s home etc. if one does not have a credit rating? How does one safely retire if one does not have a pension? How does one hold down full-time employment as well as investigate the ethics, the security and validity of decisions being made on one's behalf financially (the services provided by brokers, fund managers etc.)? In the age of information we have never been so deprived of knowledge - or is it wisdom? It is here that the imbalance of power has developed (knowledge is an excellent source of power but how does it contradict with wisdom?).
Decisions can be made at lightning speed and in a matter of days, an individual dabbling in short-selling can go from being a simple “investor” to a bankrupted gambler. Banks can crash in a matter of weeks taking billions of our money with them. This is the system we have devised in our time, that is supposed to give us a measure of power and so assure our health, well-being and better survival. It has shown us now how it can also deliver the opposite. Good intentions are not nearly enough. Of huge concern is the way we rationalise and reason away the unknown factors regarding making financial decisions, which most people do without much question. This has been encouraged by the financial institutions, the media, many authority figures as well as our peers. The mental models, otherwise known as the belief systems, underpinning this system are that as a knowledge-based society, we operate best whereby we, the individual, do not need to know very much other than how to put his or her own skills to good use, where someone else with the 'knowledge' of the investment markets, will put their skills to good use on our behalf. An incredibly naive form of reciprocity as it turns out and demonstrates the impact of a deficit of true knowledge and more importantly wisdom. Even where true knowledge exists, there is often a deficit of wisdom where money is part of the equation. Look at decisions we continue to make about our wider environment, homelessness, starvation, benefitting from slave labour, human rights, good versus evil, our carbon footprint, and so on. Short-term financial well-being seems to dominate, particularly where we are ruled by the thinking that financial well-being equals more power.
When we trust in our financial institutions to do right by us, at least 2 erroneous assumptions being made:
1. All skills are equal
Not true! Where money is concerned, power becomes centralised where money is controlled and so those who manage our money automatically hold more power.
2. It is possible to procure reliable knowledge about an investment
Not true! The markets operate as highly chaotic, complex, interdependent and, as we have witnessed many times, corrupt and unstable systems. It is not possible to predict accurately what will happen given they are not directed simply by supply and demand forces.
How do we change our mental models (belief systems) of how a knowledge-based society can operate if we are to seek true wisdom, especially where financial power is concerned? Belief systems gain momentum (and hence power) as more people come to accept the particular views associated with that belief system as common knowledge (this is known as hegemony). Such belief systems define their figures of authority, such as Financial Directors and /or Politicians and consequently these direct the actions of the many. Within such a belief system, ideas form as to what is right and what is wrong, what is normal, acceptable as well as what is deviant. Within a particular belief system certain views, thoughts or actions become unthinkable as well as thinkable (read Foucault's philosophy of power, 'Discipline and Punish' to learn more). As a society we have followed these financial authority figures, believing, mistakenly it seems, that this will keep us safe. Delegating our financial decision-making to our financial institutions has done exactly what any philosopher of power would have predicted.
Authors such as Charles Handy (writer of "Understanding Organisations", etc.) make an important distinction between power and influence. Where power is money it becomes a highly unpredictable and potentially fatal 'moltov cocktail'. Should this be kept separate in order to direct and balance power in positive ways? What sort of society can we develop then; with what changes to our belief systems and authority figures; and how difficult is this change in reality? As the socialist writer, Upton Sinclair once said, "It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it". In our democratic election process today, money buys candidacy, votes and support for causes that are in the interests of certain influential power-brokers, rather than society at large. We have created quite the financial spider's web.
Sociologists talk of there needing to be a balance of power for relationships to work effectively. In structural sociological theory, power is an ongoing process of evolution and adaptation. Are we witnessing the time where the balance of power has become too unequal and with this, relationally, the system has destabilised and imploded? The bigger problem however is that we have developed a decision-making system with financial authority figures the ones with true power. They are the ones who created this system, and now they maintain it. With this system in place and because social systems are highly complex entities, society at large cannot easily change it, nor can those who created the dynamics in the first place. As can be seen now, this system is operating as any complex adaptive system would. It has become too unstable, too unpredictable and the cracks are appearing. HOW we as a society achieve a measure of equilibrium again will determine how many cycles of the same destabilisation we will see again in the future (we have seen a repeating pattern of destabilisation and recovery since The Great Depression in the early 20th Century). It is my belief that if we cannot change the dynamics of power within our society (and as such the belief systems that most people operate under), then this is not the last that that we will see of instability and harm to our planet. In Alvin Toffler's book 'Powershift', he argues that the third wave of power (the first wave being violence, the second being wealth) will be to shift power from being wealth to being knowledge. My observation is that even where knowledge is present, there is a huge deficit of wisdom due to this power imbalance - indeed too much knowledge leads to information overload and paralysis (Alvin Toffler recognises this too). How can we intelligently realise that many assumptions we make collectively about delegating our financial well-being to others 'more qualified' are flawed? Recognising flawed logic is something that our society has not yet become very skilled at. Our quest for a measure of power and so survival is delivering exactly what we do not want (flawed thinking usually creates a self-fulfilling prophecy eventually). As a society we handed over the mantle of power to the very people who created the problems in the first place, and now we are virtually unable to stop financial power brokers from continuing to make bad decisions to the detriment of our lives and our planet. Who could have predicted this? Many have. As a society we have the knowledge, but we still do not have the wisdom to do very much about it.
"We cannot solve problems by using the same thinking we used when we created them" - Einstein
"We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future" - George Bernard Shaw
"The function of wisdom is to discriminate between good and evil" - Cicero
"A man is wise with the wisdom of his time only, and ignorant with its ignorance" - Henry David Thoreau
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five!" - Groucho Marx
Monday, 2 February 2009
The 'frequency' for conciliation
The Cuban Missile Crisis, 1962, was the first and only nuclear confrontation between the United States and the Soviet Union. Some of the defensive actions taken were precisely the actions that finally averted an atomic and catastrophic world war from erupting. US President of the day, Kennedy, first decided to restrict the flights of the U-2 planes over the length of Cuba. Kennedy hoped this would ensure that a U-2 plane would not be shot down, so making US retaliation obligatory. The CIA and the military were still in favour of a bombing raid and/or an invasion. While negotations were ongoing, news came through that a U-2 plane had been shot down over Cuba. The leaders of the US military, reminding Kennedy of the promise he had made, argued that he should now give orders for the bombing of Cuba. Kennedy refused and instead sent a letter to Russia's Khrushchev accepting the terms of Khrushchev's first letter sent during the negotiations. Khrushchev agreed and gave orders for the Cuban missiles to be dismantled. One of the keys to Kennedy averting a 'show-down' during the Cuban missile crisis was through his ability to focus on what Khrushchev was thinking and consider what mattered most to Khrushchev. Thankfully (and hopefully!), Barack Obama's approach appears to be similar in many ways to Kennedy's, demonstrating an ability to understand and tap into people's hearts and minds, people's opposing perspectives, motivations and desires.
Following on from my Good Vibrations blog, in January, talking about how we tap into an emotional 'frequency' observing that when we do so, others can change accordingly, those around us as well as ourselves, I have decided to provide some 'science' to back it up. This blog is talking more about the real impact on our lives where we enhance our ability to first seek to understand the very people who are causing us trouble or pain; and some science supporting the idea of an emotional 'frequency'. Pressing pause on some of our more destructive emotions brings us closer to finding solutions to our problems.
Hate the System, Not the People
During his inaugural address, Nelson Mandela spoke of a slow realisation he had while in prison under the guard of his enemy for 27 years during the Apartheid rule. Over time he realised how these guards did not seem to particularly enjoy the role they were taking either. It was only when he began to see past his own hatred of his enemies that he could become the leader of the future and so destroy the real enemy to mankind, Apartheid. He changed his hatred as one away from people and towards the system that held people in these destructive patterns. As such, only through feeling compassion for others, regardless of their position in the conflict, could he change that system, engaging South Africa in embracing this change. I remember a terrible story of him losing his son in a car accident, allegedly engineered to break his spirit while in prison, and then some time after, discovering that the prison guard assigned to him had lost his son in a car accident. He registers that the empathy that flowed between them was heart-felt and genuine at the deepest level, despite their opposing positions. He points to this ability to feel empathy towards his enemies as being the chief reason for him finally being capable of destroying this system of Apartheid. How he got there was through intense reflection, suffering and a level of self-control that most people cannot imagine. It is almost unimaginable to find the strength to see past one's child being murdered but somehow he managed.
There are similar sage words all throughout history if we choose to look, from earlier than 300 BC, with Sun T'zu's "The Art of War":
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle";
and further similar words of wisdom from Robert McNamara in his book and documentary "The Fog of War" following his disastrous handling of the US' Vietnam Campaign, rule 9 out of his 10 rules about war:
"If we are to deal effectively with terrorists across the globe, we must develop a sense of empathy—I don't mean "sympathy," but rather "understanding"—to counter their attacks on us and the Western World".
I would add, that one must adequately understand oneself first. In McNamara's documentary, "The Fog of War", he talks about sitting next to an ambassador for Vietnam at a dinner many years after the Vietnam conflict and being told that if he had understood anything about the acrimonious history between Vietnam and China, North America would never have feared an alliance and so the attack on Vietnam could have been averted. The fear and then the negative and often erroneous future predictions that follow on from such fear can activate terrible decisions by our Leaders if they are unable to distance themselves from this sort of emotional reasoning.
The Neuroscience of Our States of Mind
So, how do we achieve heightened self-awareness, self-control and insight? When we go deeper into relaxation, we achieve such heightened receptivity, inspiration, emotional control as well as sometimes long-forgotten memories. We can even enter quite an elusive and transcendant "Theta" state, where brain activity slows almost to the point of sleep, but not quite. When the brain is operating in the Theta state it can bring about accelerated cognitive, emotional and behavioural change. Theta can be measured and induced through hypnosis, relaxation and meditation. You might know that you are in Theta as it can be accompanied by very pleasurable sensations of floating and weightlessness. We know that when the brain is in the Theta state it allows us readier access to our 'tacit' consciousness, referred to by psychoanalysts as the subconscious and unconscious. During stressful or highly emotional episodes, this area is closed to us as our critical thinking abilities are heightened as we become enmeshed in the quite destructive 'fight or flight' mode. Psychologists can now use various means of neurofeedback to indicate when the Theta state has been achieved and teach others how to tap into this as opposed to reacting to our more instinctive 'fight or flight' responses.
Why are we doing this? Well for a number of reasons. The most prevalent currently is as an important part in behavior modification programs such as anger management and in the treatment of food, drug and alcohol addictions. Frequently, angry people, addicts and people struggling with severe weight problems are less skilled at altering their mood or state than the average person. Human beings are very adaptable and will find other, if maladaptive, ways to relieve tension and stress. It stands to reason that drugs, alcohol and food would become alternatives and that anger could easily prevail.
Putting this into Practice
Imagine for a minute if these were the strategies that world leaders resorted to when dealing with international threats! Perhaps we do not need to. When we look back in time to how US President Bush reacted to the attacks on the World Trade Centre, we can see that it was accompanied by such an emotional intensity that it likely prevented full consideration of all the likely as yet unforeseen consequences to such a retaliation. As Sun T'zu observed many centuries ago (will we ever learn from our history?):
"He who wishes to fight must first count the cost. When you engage in actual fighting, if victory is long in coming, then men's weapons will grow dull and their ardor will be dampened. If you lay siege to a town, you will exhaust your strength. Again, if the campaign is protracted, the resources of the State will not be equal to the strain. Now, when your weapons are dulled, your ardor dampened, your strength exhausted and your treasure spent, other chieftains will spring up to take advantage of your extremity. Then no man, however wise, will be able to avert the consequences that must ensue... In war, then, let your great object be victory, not lengthy campaigns" (The Art of War)
Apply also this quote above to the costly and unhappy process of an acrimonious divorce. Our own reasons for developing empathy and emotional self-control are much more likely to affect us personally. When we enhance our empathy and self-control, we enhance our effectiveness with our loved ones, our friends and work colleagues. Our lives become more fulfilled at deeper levels than ever imagined possible.
Furthermore, there is a growing trend in leadership development as we realise that we can learn to be better leaders. Shouldn't these skills be obligatory for anyone with the power to create war, to destroy our environment or make other people's lives better or worse? Most good leaders can remember a time where they were less effective and have a story to tell about how they became the positive influence that they now are. Change and self-discovery is a natural process.
These are very real stories and useful insights to begin exploring one's own limits and opportunities. In changing our worlds, we begin only when we consider how we ourselves can change. As the leader of India's independence, a humanist and pacifist, Ghandi, once said, "we must be the change we wish to see in the world". Finding more enlightened ways of resolving our disputes minus bloodshed and oppression is something that I will support until I am no longer here.
Following on from my Good Vibrations blog, in January, talking about how we tap into an emotional 'frequency' observing that when we do so, others can change accordingly, those around us as well as ourselves, I have decided to provide some 'science' to back it up. This blog is talking more about the real impact on our lives where we enhance our ability to first seek to understand the very people who are causing us trouble or pain; and some science supporting the idea of an emotional 'frequency'. Pressing pause on some of our more destructive emotions brings us closer to finding solutions to our problems.
Hate the System, Not the People
During his inaugural address, Nelson Mandela spoke of a slow realisation he had while in prison under the guard of his enemy for 27 years during the Apartheid rule. Over time he realised how these guards did not seem to particularly enjoy the role they were taking either. It was only when he began to see past his own hatred of his enemies that he could become the leader of the future and so destroy the real enemy to mankind, Apartheid. He changed his hatred as one away from people and towards the system that held people in these destructive patterns. As such, only through feeling compassion for others, regardless of their position in the conflict, could he change that system, engaging South Africa in embracing this change. I remember a terrible story of him losing his son in a car accident, allegedly engineered to break his spirit while in prison, and then some time after, discovering that the prison guard assigned to him had lost his son in a car accident. He registers that the empathy that flowed between them was heart-felt and genuine at the deepest level, despite their opposing positions. He points to this ability to feel empathy towards his enemies as being the chief reason for him finally being capable of destroying this system of Apartheid. How he got there was through intense reflection, suffering and a level of self-control that most people cannot imagine. It is almost unimaginable to find the strength to see past one's child being murdered but somehow he managed.
There are similar sage words all throughout history if we choose to look, from earlier than 300 BC, with Sun T'zu's "The Art of War":
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle";
and further similar words of wisdom from Robert McNamara in his book and documentary "The Fog of War" following his disastrous handling of the US' Vietnam Campaign, rule 9 out of his 10 rules about war:
"If we are to deal effectively with terrorists across the globe, we must develop a sense of empathy—I don't mean "sympathy," but rather "understanding"—to counter their attacks on us and the Western World".
I would add, that one must adequately understand oneself first. In McNamara's documentary, "The Fog of War", he talks about sitting next to an ambassador for Vietnam at a dinner many years after the Vietnam conflict and being told that if he had understood anything about the acrimonious history between Vietnam and China, North America would never have feared an alliance and so the attack on Vietnam could have been averted. The fear and then the negative and often erroneous future predictions that follow on from such fear can activate terrible decisions by our Leaders if they are unable to distance themselves from this sort of emotional reasoning.
The Neuroscience of Our States of Mind
So, how do we achieve heightened self-awareness, self-control and insight? When we go deeper into relaxation, we achieve such heightened receptivity, inspiration, emotional control as well as sometimes long-forgotten memories. We can even enter quite an elusive and transcendant "Theta" state, where brain activity slows almost to the point of sleep, but not quite. When the brain is operating in the Theta state it can bring about accelerated cognitive, emotional and behavioural change. Theta can be measured and induced through hypnosis, relaxation and meditation. You might know that you are in Theta as it can be accompanied by very pleasurable sensations of floating and weightlessness. We know that when the brain is in the Theta state it allows us readier access to our 'tacit' consciousness, referred to by psychoanalysts as the subconscious and unconscious. During stressful or highly emotional episodes, this area is closed to us as our critical thinking abilities are heightened as we become enmeshed in the quite destructive 'fight or flight' mode. Psychologists can now use various means of neurofeedback to indicate when the Theta state has been achieved and teach others how to tap into this as opposed to reacting to our more instinctive 'fight or flight' responses.
Why are we doing this? Well for a number of reasons. The most prevalent currently is as an important part in behavior modification programs such as anger management and in the treatment of food, drug and alcohol addictions. Frequently, angry people, addicts and people struggling with severe weight problems are less skilled at altering their mood or state than the average person. Human beings are very adaptable and will find other, if maladaptive, ways to relieve tension and stress. It stands to reason that drugs, alcohol and food would become alternatives and that anger could easily prevail.
Putting this into Practice
Imagine for a minute if these were the strategies that world leaders resorted to when dealing with international threats! Perhaps we do not need to. When we look back in time to how US President Bush reacted to the attacks on the World Trade Centre, we can see that it was accompanied by such an emotional intensity that it likely prevented full consideration of all the likely as yet unforeseen consequences to such a retaliation. As Sun T'zu observed many centuries ago (will we ever learn from our history?):
"He who wishes to fight must first count the cost. When you engage in actual fighting, if victory is long in coming, then men's weapons will grow dull and their ardor will be dampened. If you lay siege to a town, you will exhaust your strength. Again, if the campaign is protracted, the resources of the State will not be equal to the strain. Now, when your weapons are dulled, your ardor dampened, your strength exhausted and your treasure spent, other chieftains will spring up to take advantage of your extremity. Then no man, however wise, will be able to avert the consequences that must ensue... In war, then, let your great object be victory, not lengthy campaigns" (The Art of War)
Apply also this quote above to the costly and unhappy process of an acrimonious divorce. Our own reasons for developing empathy and emotional self-control are much more likely to affect us personally. When we enhance our empathy and self-control, we enhance our effectiveness with our loved ones, our friends and work colleagues. Our lives become more fulfilled at deeper levels than ever imagined possible.
Furthermore, there is a growing trend in leadership development as we realise that we can learn to be better leaders. Shouldn't these skills be obligatory for anyone with the power to create war, to destroy our environment or make other people's lives better or worse? Most good leaders can remember a time where they were less effective and have a story to tell about how they became the positive influence that they now are. Change and self-discovery is a natural process.
These are very real stories and useful insights to begin exploring one's own limits and opportunities. In changing our worlds, we begin only when we consider how we ourselves can change. As the leader of India's independence, a humanist and pacifist, Ghandi, once said, "we must be the change we wish to see in the world". Finding more enlightened ways of resolving our disputes minus bloodshed and oppression is something that I will support until I am no longer here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)