Trust in some relationships is a given, something that is taken for granted from the outset. In others, trust is something which must be earned and the relationship begins much more cautiously. In reality, there is not only one way to trust. In fact how easy is it for most people to trust? Where a couple are having a problem trusting one another it can begin to corrode the rest of the relationship at an alarming rate. How easy is it to convert a non-trusting relationship into a trusting one?
Trust is something that we learn to do from birth, learning to trust depends upon how reliable, consistent and loving our parents or primary caregivers are with us and so we all possess different levels of ability to trust. To an extent, we all lose our ability to trust perfectly (how we start out as babies), given parenting is never perfect! However the extent to which we learn to trust depends upon how we interpret the episodes where our trust has been more seriously violated. For most of us, learning that all people are fallible and mess up from time-to-time, including our parents, can be a very useful reminder, to begin permitting oneself to trust, even in an uncertain world. Clearly, there are some periods which require more than this kind of rationalisation, for instance where one's partner has continually broken promises or periodically been unfaithful. Is it possible to regain trust in these instances?
Problems Trusting
Firstly, let's consider where one's own trust has been seriously violated in childhood, or an earlier traumatic event, and has now become a serious problem. The sorts of instances which can sustain long-term damage on one's ability to trust are usually periods of trauma which are then not resolved at the time. Episodes of child abuse (verbal, physical, sexual); being reared by a susbstance-abusing parent or a parent who is inconsistent with their own emotions; and parents with personality disorders, can all harm a child's ability to trust when in adulthood. As an adult, being in a long-term dishonest or abusive relationship can also leave unhealed emotional scars and prevent the individual from fully trusting their current partner. Some of the likely responses of someone who has not learned how to trust are to be generally guarded in the relationship, conditional and selective about when to trust. They can also find ways in which to 'sabotage' their relationships, such as putting the relationship through a battery of impossible psychological tests, "if you love me then ..."; acting out in unacceptable ways in order to push away one's partner, such as creating dramas, being inconsistently loving, being highly critical, being unfaithful, etc.; picking unsatisfactory partners to begin with, thinking "I knew it would never work ...", "I tried but he / she didn't..."; and so on.
In adult:adult relationships, an individual who quickly withdraws from their partner following a one-off disappointment in their partner, and then finds it difficult to reconnect, likely has difficulties trusting others in general. In a loving and supportive relationship, trust can grow over time by talking through problems together as they arise and sharing how disappointments are being perceived. The more we understand how to better meet some of those particular expectations and to understand some of the perceptions that one's partner holds about their world, the more intimacy grows. For individuals where trust is problematic, the likely response, as I say above, will more likely be to withdraw or sabotage than to discuss. Over-reaction, including verbal abuse, rage, etc. happens frequently with people who have problems trusting others. This means that the ability to rationally discuss, negotiate and compromise is lost, sometimes for ever. Both withdrawal (including avoidance of discussion) and sabotage (including anger and blame) get in the way of developing intimacy in the relationship and blocks the relationship from becoming a more fulfilling one.
Infidelity
Where there has been infidelity on either or both sides, then rebuilding trust is an imperative. However, when infidelity happens, so many couples become lost as to how to do this with trust violated and emotions running high. There are steps that can and must be taken on both sides. If these are avoided it may not be the act of infidelity that kills the relationship, it will be the lack of trust giving rise to further 'secondary' damage to the relationship. As this secondary damage begins to cloud the real issue, so the relationship spirals downwards into blame and withdrawal where love is lost. Not necessarily dead, but certainly lost. Where trust has been broken by you, it is important to come clean straight away. Where an indiscretion has happened, being straight up about it will inevitably cause arguements and upset, but it can lead to deeper understanding of how this happened and further exploration on what each party needs. If the disclosure is made some time afterwards then this can be fatal to the relationship owing to the other party feeling not only betrayed but also kept in the dark about the truth for a period of time. Disclosure of infidelity needs to be handled with extreme care.
What happens on the side of the unfaithful party where indiscretions are not admitted to? Frequently, the partner who has cheated will pull back from the relationship and intimacy is compromised, usually out of experiencing the negative feelings of guilt and self-condemnation and a desire to avoid the full weight of these feelings. There is also likely an increase in feeling resentment towards their partner in attempting to reduce the self-condemnation. This resentment then increases the chances of further indiscretions and sadly further damage to the relationship. The love has very likely not gone from the relationship, however trust is quickly becoming untenable. Not only must we be able to trust others but we must also be able to trust ourself. If you find that you are in the grip of a pattern of infidelity and you do not understand why, then this makes holding mature, loving relationships painful. This does not mean that you cannot be trusted for the rest of your life but it does mean that you are not aware of why you are doing this and so will likely continue, no matter who you are with. Where a cycle like this has developed, is it possible to break it? The good news is of course it is possible. Possible, but not easy. Both parties must face up to honesty and choices. This will most likely require professional help, in the form of cognitive behavioural pscyhotherapy more than just counselling. There are more complicated issues regarding self-awareness, self-control and self-esteem to be considered as well as unravelling the relationship from additional secondary damage.
The good news is that in the aftermath of a betrayal from one's partner it is an opportunity to make the relationship stronger. Only possible however if the couple can get past blame about what has happened and begin to talk about a newer and better future. Blame, hostility or hysteria cannot continue forever. Discussing your partner's motives for betraying you may require professional help. Being open to sharing responsibility, not necessarily 50:50 in all instances of course, but for the problems you are having as a couple helps to build security and openness. Both need to talk honestly about how you feel in the relationship in general. Admit if you are feeling bored, unappreciated, worried, living outside of your own limits, and so on. Letting each other know what you expect from now on, and stating your limits about what you can and cannot tolerate provides further insight into each other's expectations and limits. Talking involves listening to your partner, whether you agree with them or not. It is only through this process that deeper intimacy is possible. If you cannot have this kind of conversation by yourselves, then find professional help right away. Do not wait as mistrust can become a habit and, as I said earlier, will likely create secondary problems in your relationship which corrode it further. A good therapist, psychologist, or relationship counsellor can guide you as you explore why the betrayal happened and how to avoid another one. In this instance, trust happens gradually and takes time, with talking, listening, a respect for differences of opinion and with lots of patience. As mistrust appears and disagreements happen, treat this as part of the process rather than panicking that you are back at square one again. If you both have a plan for how to get things back on track then when mistrust occurs (as it will) you can be prepared to stop the downward spiral accelerating. This process can take months, even years but the couples who succeed in building deeper intimacy together all say that their relationships are more real, loving, stronger and better than ever.
Why People Lie
Can you get your relationship back on track where your partner is incapable of being consistently honest about important issues for you or simply unable to be monogamous where you require monogamy? People who lie are not usually deliberately trying to hurt other people. The problem is with them. And so, if your partner says things such as "I have to lie / omit. You make it impossible for me to tell the truth" or words to that effect, it is important not to accept any part of the blame. The decison to tell the truth, whether the truth is hard to accept or not, is fundamentally important to building trust. Do consider what you can do in supporting your partner to make difficult disclosures and tell the truth. Asking what someone needs to be honest with you is a good start to fixing problems with honesty. Here are some of the reasons why people lie:
- to look good and not lose the love / admiration of the person they love. Chronic people-pleasers may find that they have a problem with honesty. It is all too tempting to try to be all things to all people. As we go through life however it becomes clearer and clearer that this is an impossible task.
- to avoid conflict. Avoiding telling the truth creates a superficial and false harmony but it is certainly more harmonious in the short-term than opening up a discussion on something you know your partner doesn't agree with.
- to avoid hurting one's partner's feelings. When we love and respect our partner it can be difficult to discuss the tough issues.
It is extremely helpful to realise that airing openly and honestly how you're feeling will have to happen at some stage in order to get a healthy and positive dialogue going and in order for the relationship to survive. New skills of assertiveness, communication and self-awareness may be required for this to happen for people who find honesty problematic.
Sexual Honesty
How about the instance where your partner says from the outset, "I might sleep with someone else and not tell you about it. Do you want to build a relationship with me on these terms?". This is perfect honesty, as a choice to accept the other's behaviour has been given from the outset. You have been given the opportunity to enter the relationship with your eyes open. This is a harder conversation to have, given the social norms that exist around forming and maintaining relationships, however if you do not believe in monogamy, it is an important one to have, as early as possible. If you are entering into a relationship or re-evaluating your relationship with someone on these terms then it is important to explore your own thinking about monogamy and then to discuss together some limits on how this could work. Certainly two individuals coming together can easily hold two very different perspectives about how a relationship can work without monogamy. Be prepared for your limits to be tested, as they would be with any relationship. Once one is outside of the boundaries of monogamy however, limits become even less clear and the relationship faces many more perils and challenges. Both parties must have finely tuned communication skills, the shared will and ability to build intimacy and be prepared for rocky times ahead. Of course this is true in monogamous relationships too! There are examples of happy, loving relationships that exist outside of traditional monogamy, however they are built on honesty, understanding, respecting each other's limits and so trust. Complete sexual honesty allows for couples to share their sexual fantasies and so to enjoy an even better love life.
Building Trust
Here are some basic pointers in building openness and honesty and so trust into your relationship:
- when an issue arises where you feel your trust is being challenged, talk about it. This can feel uncomfortable in the short term but it will bring you closer together. Questions might be "Where were you last night when I called and you didn't answer?"; "Who was that woman who came to your door this morning?"; "Whose face cream on your dresser does this belong to?". If you feel there's something wrong then ask. If you have the skills to have positive dialogues together, then difficult discussions are also possible. Where you both know that your goal is developing a happier, healthier relationship then difficult questions are possible.
- have the confidence to be who you are. Reveal your feelings — both the bad and the good. Be honest about what your intentions are for now and for the future. When you notice something that's going on inside of you, you must honestly talk about it. Resist the temptation to lie at all costs.
- be prepared to suspend your anger when your partner tells you something hurtful. Although incredibly hard if you are someone who reacts to hurt with anger, anger in the face of honesty makes honesty incredibly difficult. Ask for some time out in order to digest the information if you find you have an explosive temper. Do not talk after consuming alcohol as you will be more uninhibited and so prone to anger.
- select a trustworthy person. In the early stages watch and listen to what is done and said. If you notice warning signs (white lies, serious lies, broken promises) then heed them. An untrustworthy person isn't going to change overnight even with your support.
- select a trusting person. Someone who has had their trust devastated from an earlier episode in their life will have many more problems trusting, whether there are real issues or not. All relationships have problems, however someone who has lost the ability to trust can sabotage the relationship, prematurely walk away or simply refuse to fully engage. Where this is the case, it likely requires professional therapeutic guidance for this individual to re-learn how to reach out and take the risk of trusting, despite their inner warning voice that shouts "watch out, attack" or "watch out, withdraw".
- know what your relationship expectations and limits are so that you can talk about them early on. Tap into your emotions, good and bad, so that you can share them with your partner. Being self-aware means you can be honest with yourself. It is only where this is possible that you can be honest with other people. If you tell others the truth, you have a better chance of them reciprocating and you certainly have a better chance of growing that fulfilling relationship.
- respect each other as individuals and your rights to think differently, to hold different opinions and to enjoy doing different things. Be prepared to compromise and to give each other what you both need to enjoy life!
Ending It
Finally, ending a relationship has to be one of the hardest things for most people to do and to live with. Knowing when to walk away is difficult but important for anyone's peace of mind and general sanity. Where your partner is giving you mixed messages of telling you everything's ok but not spending time with you, is avoiding eye contact with you or is dismissing your concerns, you should consider seeking outside help as these are likely problems in communication. More seriously, where he or she is refusing to negotiate on some of your limits, e.g. you are asking for her to cease doing something that violates your trust and she avoids giving a straight answer or downright refuses; where there is an unresolved pattern of lying or being unfaithful; or where you are being expected to do things beyond your own limits, then sadly it will be hard to nigh impossible to maintain the relationship. Periods of intensive therapy can be sought but couples must be prepared that these are far more complicated issues that do not have straightforward solutions. Trial and error solutions require patience, love and the will to remain together as a couple on both sides. In the longterm, it is never enough for only one half to be trying to fix things.
0 comments:
Post a Comment